Are you looking for the best funny quotes? Don’t look anymore we have a great collection that you will love. They will make you laugh, especially the last one. Discover it.

  1. People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. – A. A. Milne
  2. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt – Abraham Lincoln
  3. If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? – Abraham Lincoln
  4. The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets. – Al McGuire
  5. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. – Alan Dundes
  6. Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal. – Albert Camus
  7. The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. – Albert Einstein
  8. The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. – Andy Rooney
  9. At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other. – Ann Landers
  10. Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too. – Anton Chekhov
  11. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target. – Ashleigh Brilliant
  12. Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born? – Benny Hill
  13. Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind. – Bernard Baruch
  14. The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. – Bill Watterson
  15. If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you. – Billy Wilder
  16. A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it. – Bob Hope
  17. My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine. – Caroline Rhea
  18. He who laughs last didn’t get the joke. – Charles de Gaulle
  19. A day without laughter is a day wasted. – Charlie Chaplin
  20. High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead. – Christopher Morley
  21. If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes. – Chuck Palahniuk
  22. A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas. – Claude Pepper
  23. If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already? – Cynthia Heimel
  24. If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito. – Dalai Lama
  25. Leave something for someone but dont leave someone for something. – Enid Blyton
  26. Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy. – Francois de La Rochefoucauld
  27. The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion. – Fred Allen
  28. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. – George Carlin
  29. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. – Harlan Ellison
  30. All men are equal before fish. – Herbert Hoover
  31. Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money. – Jackie Mason
  32. Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names. – John F. Kennedy
  33. Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. – Mark Twain
  34. Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. – Mark Twain
  35. Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. – Mark Twain
  36. You cannot be anything if you want to be everything. – Solomon Schechter
    It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose! – Steven Weinberg
  37. I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work. – Thomas A. Edison
  38. My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more. – Walter Matthau
  39. The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces. – Will Rogers
  40. You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there. – Yogi Berra
  41. Life is short, smile while you still have teeth. – Unknown
  42. A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand. – Uknown
  43. I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you. – Unknown
  44. The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs. – Unknown
  45. What is the best thing to do when you have a hole in a boat and water is leaking inside? Make another hole to drain the water. – Unknown
  46. I finally realized that people are prisoners of their phones… that’s why it’s called a “cell” phone. – Unknown
  47. Your secrets are safe with me… I wasn’t even listening. – Unknown
  48. It takes real skills to choke on air, fall up the stairs and trip over nothing. I have those skills. – Unknown
  49. There are a 100 billions nerves in the human body, and there are people who have the ability to irritate all of them. – Unknown
  50. Did you just fall? No, I was checking if gravity still works. – Unknown
  51. You don’t have to be crazy to hang out with me… I’ll train you. – Unknown
  52. It may look like I’m doing nothing, but in my head I’m quite busy. – Unknown
  53. Sometimes I just want someone to hug me and say “I know it’s hard, but you’ll be okay. Here’s a coffee and a million dollars.” – Unknown
  54. There are so many times I made you angry, upset, irritated and tired. Today I just wanted to say that I’m thinking of continuing. – Unknown
  55. Dear life, when I said “can this day get any worse” it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge. – Unknown
  56. Why is Monday so far from Friday, and Friday so close to Monday? – Unknown
  57. Be stupid, be dumb, be funny, if that’s who you are. Don’t try to be someone that society wants you to be; that’s stupid. So be yourself. – Christina Grimmie
  58. I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. – Ron White
  59. My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. – Mitch Hedberg
  60. Sometimes I’m really funny, sometimes I’m quiet, sometimes I’m shy, but I’m constantly changing – Elle King
  61. Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week – Spanish proverb
  62. Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth. – Unknown
  63. The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream. – Bill Murray
  64. I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done. – Steven Wright
  65. A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths. – Steven Wright
  66. If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success? – Jerry Seinfeld
  67. Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off. – Bill Murray
  68. It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste. – Unknown
  69. If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out. – Lawrence Ferlinghetti
  70. Everything happens for a reason. But sometimes the reason is that you’re stupid and you make bad decisions. – Unknown
  71. If you are lonely, dim all lights and put on a horror movie. After a while it won’t feel like you are alone anymore. – Unknown

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